Split Mind

            

        Mother is a figure of loving hands whenever you’re in pain and  doom with sadness, the one you heard every morning, remind you to wake up early and prepare yourself to go to school. The one who prepares meal for breakfast with words of affirmation that life is a gift of God and it has so much to offer.

 My mom is somehow different, she's not a typical mom because of her condition. My mom has a lot of peculiarity with her words and actions, sometimes I wonder why my mom acts strangely. Her mood drops drastically without apparent reasons and tends to tell stories that sound so weird and unrealistic. She tends to grab some attentions and leads her to talk to someone with endless conversation. She loves to talk a lot, loves to tell stories beyond normal creature could understand. I admit that more often I misunderstood her emotions and beliefs. Sometimes I get annoyed by some unwanted voice every single day and seems our home was often a hell.

Living with my mom is indeed a huge challenge on my part and the rest of the member of the family, but knowing that She is my mom, the one who gave birth to me and did sacrifices when I was young, She deserve to love unconditionally. The fact that my mom is sick, my mom has unpredictable behavior and She need to be treat professionally. She may not as normal as other mother but I knew that She loves me more than I deserve to be love. She protects me like any mother could do, She cared me in her own little way and comfort me when I'm feel frustrations and doubt to myself. She gets angry with me with my vicious behavior and tend to reminds me about the things that I should do.

My mother has incredible power when it comes to our house chores although it may not be organized and consistent, she acts absent mindlessly and talks her own. She manage to keep friends with our neighbors although at times she get mad easily with her own opinion and beliefs. She love to roam places and go somewhere without clear destination and purpose, after that she returned home with foods and other stuffs . That’s my mother routine.

My mom has a chaotic mind , it was usually reveals by the way she dress up and how she managed our house. She tends to complicates things and lead for misunderstanding and unwanted words from her mouth. From afar you will easily distinguish my mom easily because of her vibrant personality and aura. She really loves to talk, even with strangers, which sometimes others misunderstood her behavior and sometimes her kindness was taken for granted. She doesn’t recognize reality from her imagination and at times may caused her to be paranoid or even have a hard time to fall asleep. Her unpredictability made me worry and scared at the same time.

As a daughter and I have my own thoughts to manage myself when my mom fail to do things like any other mothers could do. I understand though at times it’s hard to accept that there’s something heavy on my part that I really want to get rid off. I have to deal with life’s unpredictability as my mom's behaviour. Maybe God gave us this kind of struggle in order for us to be strong and be mature enough to handle things. I knew there’s a definite purpose for everything although our situation may appear like a cloudy water infused by some mud and pebbles. I’m aware that my mom’s illness has no guarantee to have a cure; I knew that it is a lifetime although it may lessen the tendency of some symptoms. I’m praying for my mom safety and for more time spending with my dad as couple who are more willing to accept the fact that they will fight together for every adversity that come along.

I'm not losing hope although at times I'm down and reflecting life as miserable dungeon that prisons may die on their perspective sell of self pity. My mom also brings strength to me no matter how hard it seems to believe, my mother is one of my source of courage to fight. Her eyes glow with so much confidence and enthusiasm. Her guts  undeniably out of my reach and I’m grateful for allowing us to emit some of her positivity and energy .Her inner feelings reflects with her aura, child like behavior with a strong disposition to fight life's battle, My mom is unware of her condition and she keeps saying that there's nothing wrong with her. She has solid beliefs that everything she perceived is true and she really strongly abide by every whispers in her ears and early morning delusions.

To those who may not know my mom has schizophrenia [skit-suh-free-nuh] ,although she is not clinically diagnosed, I really do believed  that she has the symptoms of of being fall into this category. The term schizophrenia is a serious mental illness characterized by disturbance in person’s thoughts, perceptions, emotions and behavior. It was derived from greek root words (schizo means split) and (prhene means mind) to describe a fragmented thinking. It is a condition of a person that affects how a person thinks, fells and acts. Technically my mom have a very hard time living in reality because of sleep disturbance , appetite disturbance, feelings that are flat or seems inconsistent to others, speech that difficult to follow, and changes in the way things appear, sound ,or smell. It was marked of unusual behavior ideas and persistent feelings of unreality and thinking unrelated things that have special meaning.

As of today I’m so glad because she has minimal changes of her mood, for me I see my mom as a raw and childlike energy that exudes when people are sincere to their feelings. She can manage herself unlike before that with sudden weirdness oust of burst. A smile of a woman who suffered from unrealistic delusions but still keep to track back on the way that life’s teach us to fight  and reflect that God is in control of everything.